Surprisingly, it missed the reason: THE FRIES SUCK.

Story: http://www.foodanddrinkdigital.com/franchising/combo-meals-not-so-hot-right-now-says-new-study

Finally, TMZ justifies their existence.

Story: http://www.tmz.com/2012/08/01/total-recall-3-boob-hooker-nipple/

Note to self: never wear red underwear.

(Get it? "Horny"? You see what I did there?)

Story: http://www.salon.com/2012/08/02/weird_news_amorous_bull_damages_car/

Marijuana's a hell of a drug.

Story: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/07/31/snoop-dogg-changes-name-to-snoop-lion-says-is-bob-marley-reincarnated/

Life imitates "South Park."

Story: http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00018205.html

Behavior you'd only expect of a criminal, car salesman, or Congressman.

Story: http://huff.to/QYHPU1

"Well, where was the last place you left them, you pillock?"

Story: http://sports.yahoo.com/video/london-police-lose-keys-wembley-140500150.html

Clearly authorities are ignoring the theory that he realized he was SNEAKING INTO A NICKELBACK CONCERT and jumped.

Story: http://www.timesunion.com/local/article/Patron-injured-in-fall-from-creek-bank-at-SPAC-3733883.php

It beats the Geraldine Ferraro lookalike at a strip club in Charlotte.

Story: http://tbo.ly/O1hFxJ

The good news was that his penis won "Best In Show."

Story: http://www.tmz.com/2012/07/19/fred-willard-arrested-masturbating/

In other news, I'm suddenly a huge Miami Heat fan.

In other other news, can they wear a paper bag while they do it? Yeesh.

Story: http://blogs.laweekly.com/afterdark/2012/07/porn_stars_offer_blowjobs_to_v.php

Dino-style, naturally. Jurassic Porn pics at the link.

Story: http://bit.ly/MZOBwd

UPDATE: It's old. Obviously, dinosaur sex is old, but the story of how scientists determine it is not new. Daniel O'Brien from CRACKED.com busts the Daily Mail UK story here: bit.ly/NGPrM3

If we donate, are we considered shareholders? ‪

Story: http://soc.li/25NX8Fj

Wait, she wants money because she can no longer hear Justin Bieber?

Story: bitly.com/P4xjwT

The fetus has already been signed to a four-album record deal.

What do you buy for the man who's reached total enlightenment? We're going with a monogrammed Snuggie.

They're calling it the "iPhone."

Your tax dollars at work.

(Story: http://charlotte.cbslocal.com/2012/07/02/study-finds-firework-injuries-occur-most-around-fourth-of-july/ )

In other news, we're announcing we're a podcast.

In tribute, students everywhere lit #2 pencils and chanted "The answer is always 'C.'"

(Story: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/29/scantron-michael-sokolski-scantron-inventor-dead-at-85_n_1637812.html )

Good thing they remembered the "deputies say." Wouldn't want anyone to think they were making that up.

(Story: http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2012-06-26/news/os-armed-man-cocaine-croatians-20120626_1_armed-man-flagler-county-man-deputies )

I hope someday I'm so famous that when my pets die, that makes headlines.

To prepare for this, John Kerry went out and bought a brand new pair of flip-flops. Wait, this just in, he's keeping the old ones. More on this story as it changes...daily.

(Dave posted this one!)

Grossing far less money was the straight-to-DVD knockoff "Millard Fillmore: Werewolf Killer."

Does she not realize HOWARD STERN is a judge on the American version?

(Story: http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/19/12297686-topless-painter-shocks-thais-with-bare-breasted-performance-on-tv-talent-show?lite )

I know it's unrealistic, but I hope medical science finds a way for him to live through all of it. Rot alive, you sick son of a bitch.

You have six months to live. That is all.

Because if there's anything a corrupt, increasingly-unpopular institution should do, it's try to fix boxing.

Wouldn't be the first time a bunch of overinflated dicks lied about money.

(Story: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/jun/19/kan-company-suspected-42m-medicare-fraud-penis-pum/ )

Guinness was first brewed in 1759, so it only took the Irish two and a half centuries to sober up and figure this out.

(story: http://www.technologyreview.com/blog/arxiv/27880/ )

Evidently it's the 19th-century equivalent of #TeamEdward vs. #TeamJacob.

Stories like this raise important questions, like "Which half?"

(if you really want to know, it comes with pictures here: http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/ci_20734160/half-naked-woman-terrorizes-pasadena-auto-shop-crowbar Be advised, though, any woman who shows up half-naked in a place presumably full of guys and needs the police called on her probably isn't a prime candidate for nude modeling.)

If they instead chose to refine gasoline, a price of pennies per gallon would be achievable by Chicago Cubs fans alone.

(story: http://gizmodo.com/5913381/season-your-food-with-salt-from-real-human-tears)

It's believed they walked out due to their €2000/month salaries and requirements to shave under their arms.

(story: http://no-pasaran.blogspot.com/2012/05/girls-of-crazy-horse-in-france-even.html note: LINK NSFW)

Not available for interview: the students. They were all next door.

(story: http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/05/19/porn-convention-held-next-to-high-school-prom-angers-parents/)

The tampons were taken off the shelves. Not by a product recall, but by Charlie Sheen.

(story: http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/54043368-78/cocaine-tampons-woman-police.html.csp )

Citing his faith, Mitt Romney maintains his belief that marriage should be between one man and as many as forty-six women.